A Beginner's Guide To The British

In recent times, you may have noticed that people on the Internet have been misspelling even the most basic of words in the American Language, inserting U's where they don't belong and putting S's instead of Z's. While this might be cause for concern that the internets are now "offifially" stupid, and that the end of the world is therefore nigh, fear not. These people are what we refer to in collective terms as "The British", and they live on a small insignificant island known as the UK. The UK has millions of visitors every year and you may even decide to become one of them. If you do, the following guide should be helpful to gaining a greater understanding of this historic ancient people.

PART ONE
Britain's History

The United Kingdom of Great Britain, population 800, was first mentioned in hieroglyphics in 4000 B.C. The island had no official name, however, until the summer of 1065, when a young apprentice tea-pot smith named Henry Blackerstuff came up with the idea of having a vote to decide on the island's name. The name "Great Britain" won the vote after all opposing voters were killed in a landslide, and in 1066 the country was officially unveiled by a King of jumpy face, "the Combustible".

From 1215 to 1512 A.D. the country was torn in two by the remarkably Civil War. To the north, the RoundHeads, led by Cuthbert Botthingly-Smythe, firmly believed that the greatest work of art ever produced was Oasis's "(What's the Story?) Morning Glory". To the south, the SquareHeads, led by Sir Hugh Anthony Phillip-Phelps-Angl-Flipsy-Doolally-Pongo-Stench III, believed that Blur's "The Great Escape" was a fancy brilliant work. The war raged for almost 300 years and cost the lives of some 78000 peasants, but eventually the two managed to settle their differences and agreed over tea, crocket and crumpets, that the greatest album ever made was, in fact, "Merry Christmas with the Smurfs".

PART TWO
British Culture

In 1598, a young British playwright by the name of William Jefferson Shakespeare wrote his first play: "Reservoir Dogs". The play was not a financial success, but earned Shakespeare a golden globe and enabled him to go on to write seven other plays, three musicals and two television commercials for "the Gap". Not only a prominent playwright, Shakespeare was also an inventor, famed for his three best-known inventions: the watermelon, the penguin, and the Antimatter Positronic Combobulation Refribulator, still used in sandwich making today.

PART FOUR
The National Anthem

In 1933 it was decided that the country's old national anthem, "Whoops, Mr Fittersly!", was no longer appropriate as a national anthem because no one could remember all seventy-eight verses, and singing the whole thing took the best part of a month. A vote was held to design a new national anthem. Suggestions varied immensely but, in the end, the winner was chosen. "F*** Tha Police", written by Henry Arthur Wilkinson III was officially appointed the country's new national anthem in 1934, and has been sung at all Olympic events, football matches and state meetings since.

PART FOUR
London

The country's capital, London is a culturally diverse city made up of people from all different races, religions and planets. London's unit of currency, the Double Decker Bus, is widely accepted in stores across the country. A pint of fine ale, for example, might cost you half a double-decker bus. A popular pornographic magazine, however, might set you back a costly sum of two double-decker buses and a black cab.

If you do visit London, be sure to visit the London Eye, Big Ben, or even The Globe theatre, where you can see "ye olde Shakespeare play" such as "The Merchant of Venice", "Henry V" or "Kill Bill" (part I and II).

PART FOUR
Types of British Person

During your stay, you'll encounter a variety of different types of British person:

- The Cockney
Living in the land of Cockney, in London East-End, the Cockney speaks in a language known as "Cockney rhyming slang". So here's a quick glossary of Cockney rhyming slang so that you know what a Cockney is talking about when he mentions throwing his "trouble and strife" down the "apples and pears". Since 1902, all Cockneys have been required by law to be either Chimney-sweeps or Bootblacks, and the patron saint for Cockneys is Saint Dick Van Dyke of Marypoppinsshire.

- The Toff
You can spot the toff in London by the following phrases at the end of his sentences... Tops are also noticed along for their monocle, top hat and pipe. But watch out! They also have tentacles to capture their prey.

So now that you've heard the Beginner's Guide to the British, why not visit Britain? Meet Shakespeare. Have tea with the queen, be violently murdered by Jack the Ripper and fly home feeling that little bit more grateful to live wherever you actually live.