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Computer help
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Dictionary
Sound BrE
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These are true conversations recorded by a computer technical support centre.
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
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C: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
T: Have you tried pushing the button?
C: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
T: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
C: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
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T: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
C: Your left or my left?
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T: Good day. How may I help you?
C: Hello.... I can't print.
T: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
C: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
C: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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C: I have problems printing in red...
T: Do you have a colour printer?
C: Aaaah....................thank you.
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T: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
C: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
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C: My keyboard is not working anymore.
T: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
C: No. I can't get behind the computer.
T: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
C: OK!
T: Did the keyboard come with you?
C: Yes
T: Then the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
C: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work.
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T: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number 7.
C: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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C: I can't get on the Internet.
T: Sure you used the right password?
C: Yes. I saw my colleague do it.
T: Can you tell me what the password was?
C: Five stars.
T: What antivirus programme do you use?
C: Netscape.
T: That's not an antivirus programme.
C: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
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C: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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T: How may I help you?
C: I'm writing my first e-mail.
T: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
C: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
T: Are you running it under Windows?
C: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
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And last but not least...
T: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
C: I don't have a P.
T: On your keyboard, Colin.
C: What do you mean?
T: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
C: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
ReportSTUCK= If something is stuck, it can’t move, it’s blocked.
THAT DOESN’T SOUND GOOD= I think you have a problem.
I’LL MAKE A NOTE= I’ll write a message (for the technician man to go and repair it)
DESK= The table where you work or study.
PAL (AmE, coll.)= Man (BrE= mate).
LIFT= Elevate, put in a higher position.
MONITOR= The computer screen (like a TV).
TEDDY BEAR= A child's toy bear, soft and usually stuffed with soft material.
KEYBOARD= A set of keys, as on a computer terminal, word processor, typewriter, or piano.
PLUG INTO= Connect.
I CAN’T GET BEHIND= I can’t go behind. GET + place = Go.
PICK UP= Take and lift.
PACES= Steps (like when you’re walking).
I CAN’T GET ON THE INTERNET= I can’t connect into the Internet. (Notice that we write "Internet" with a capital letter).
SURE YOU USED THE RIGHT WORD?= Are you sure you...
FIVE STARS= When you write a password you can’t see the letters on the screen, only stars, to protect your privacy and prevent other people from seeing it.
The last joke:
The letter "P" is pronounced /pi:/, so it sounds the same as "pee", which means "urine" and "to pee" is "to urinate" (please, remember that the word "piss" or "to piss" is a very rude word in English, although it sounds nice in some other European languages). The confusion in this joke is because the technician is talking about the letter P and the customer thinks he's talking about "pee", that's why he feels offended when the technician tells him to pee on his keyboard!
I DON'T HAVE A PEE= I don't feel the need to urinate. If you say "I have a pee" you mean that you want to urinate.
