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How men and women communicate
Time: 3:46
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Canada |
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Clinical Psychologist Dr. Cheryl Fraser talks about why men and women communicate in different ways and how to use this knowledge to resolve communication problems...
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This week on "He thinks, she thinks" we’re gonna look at what’s the purpose of talking. If you’re a woman versus if you’re a guy. Well, it’s pretty simple and it creates a heck of a lot of drama and trouble, but women generally talk to connect. Boy, you remember that: women talk to get closer, women talk to... kind of work through an experience and make sense of it together. Men... not so much.
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Guys talk usually for pragmatic reasons. They talk to get to a solution, they talk to solve something, finish it, and move on. This is not universally true but we all know it is fairly universally true.
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Problem is we have this crazy idea that men and women should actually get together and have conversations, particularly if they’re in a relationship together.
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So, have you ever had this experience? You’re a woman, you’re sitting down and you’re talking to your guy. And you really just want him to listen. You’re kind of talking to figure it out as you go along. You don’t really want any opinions, what you want is support. You wanna feel close, you’re talking, remember?, to connect. Women talk to connect.
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The guy, however, the way he loves you is, in a conversation he’s sustaining, he wants to solve your problem, which is actually a great impulse ‘cause he wants to take your distress away. We’re really hard on the guys, we say "oh, he’s just trying to give me a ++++". Don’t forget the reason to do that is not he’s trying to be bossy or to be a bully, he’s trying to take your distress away. So if you’re distressed about a problem with a co-worker who’s been giving you a really hard time, he wants to get in there and tell you how to solve it so you feel better.
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So, hey girls, it’s actually an act of love. Women talk to connect and to engage in a process and they’re not really looking for an outcome. Wom-, uh, men, they wanna get in there, have an outcome and fix it.
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So, what does that mean in a practical sense? What’s the take-away advice for how you can talk to your guy. And guys, hey, you can actually talk to your women without getting your hand slapped.
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Ok, guys, remember, she’s actually talking just to connect with you. So, become ++++ and essentially say "uhm, uhm, really?, oh really honey?, that sounds tough". Honest to God, go get a pen and write it down. "uhm, really? Oh wow! Honey, that sounds tough". If you write that down guys, and keep it in a little post-it note in your wallet and pull it out when you need it, you’re gonna be sending me flowers of thanks, ‘cause suddenly your conversations with your women are going to go well. Because she now feels like you’re with her, like you’re connecting with her, and remember, women speak to connect, and that she matters to you.
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Now, women, come on, what about the guys? If the guy sits down and he wants to talk to you about a problem he’s having negotiating your new mortgage, he’s actually not looking for you to say "oh honey, that sounds tough, uhm, uhm". He may enjoy some of that, but he also wants you to say "well, do you want my thoughts on that? And if he says "yes" then he wants some practical solutions: "well, did you think of this? How about maybe if you did that? Would it be helpful if...?". And he feels loved, he feels listened to, he feels like it wasn’t a waste of time.
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One final thing, in terms of advice, for couples: there’s a lot of research that shows if you spend thirty minutes a day in what’s called "a stress-buffering conversation", that is, talking about the stuff that is bothering you, using the hints I’ve just given you, you have a far higher likelihood of your marriage to last forever. One of the predictors of divorce is people who don’t develop that capacity.
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So sit down, guys, shut up and say "uhm", listen and let her connect. Women, ask him if he wants input, and give him some practical solutions to what he’s bringing up. And live happily ever after.
Report mistakes1
GONNA= going to
PURPOSE= aim, objective
OF TALKING= remember that after prepositions and conjunctions we always use the –ING form of verbs (we can’t say "*of to talk")
VERSUS= we use this preposition to contrast two different things that are, somehow, opposites.
GUY= man (coll. English, especially AmE). The plural "guys" may include also women.
PRETTY SIMPLE= very simple. In coll. English we can use "pretty" meaning "very".
A HECK OF A..= an expression used to emphasize the idea that something is negative and usually too much. "Heck" is a nice way to avoid using the word "hell", which is considered to be a bit rude.
CLOSER= nearer
KIND OF= it doesn’t mean anything, it’s often used when we’re thinking what to say (a gap-filler) or to express that what we’re going to say may not be too precise. Notice that she’s going to use this phrase more times on the video.
WORK THROUGH AN EXPERIENCE= think carefully about it to get a solution.
MAKE SENSE OF IT= find the reason in it, understand it. The common question "does it make sense?" means "do you understand it?. "It doesn’t make sense" means "it’s absurd, there’s no logic in it".
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PRAGMATIC= practical. About facts, not ideas.
GET TO= arrive at
SOLVE= find a solution
MOVE ON= continue with something different
FAIRLY= quite, rather
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PROBLEM IS= The correct form is "the problem is...", but in conversational English we often drop the article here.
PARTICULARLY= especially
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FIGURE IT OUT= understand it
AS YOU GO ALONG= during the conversation (or whatever you’re doing)
SUPPORT= if someone gives you support, they love you and spend time with you, listening, helping and being kind to you. In this video, the idea of "support" women need is just the feeling of being loved and important for their couple.
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HOWEVER= nevertheless, but. "The guy, however, " = "but the guy..."
TO SUSTAIN A CONVERSATION= a formal way of saying "to have a conversation"
IMPULSE= motivation
‘CAUSE= because (coll. English)
DISTRESS= suffering
TO BE HARD ON SOMEONE= to judge them or treat them bad
BOSSY= someone who is aggressive and gives orders like a boss
BULLY= someone aggressive who treats weaker people bad physically and/or psychologically (especially used for children at school)
CO-WORKER= colleague, someone you work with
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OUTCOME= result
WANNA= want to (coll. English)
FIX= solve, find a solution
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TAKE-AWAY= "take-away food" is food you buy (usually in a fast-food restaurant, like burgers) and take away with you to eat it at home or somewhere else (not inside the restaurant). So now we can say "a take-away advice" meaning "an advice you can take with you", that is, something you can learn from all this.
SLAP= to hit with the palm of your hand
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TOUGH= difficult, troublesome
HONEST TO GOD= we use this expression when we want to emphasize that what we’re going to say may sound strange, but it’s true. If you are honest, you’re telling the truth, so if you’re honest to God, you must be telling the true for sure!
GO GET A PEN= We can say "go to get a pen", but it’s more usual to say "go and get a pen". Especially in AmE, it’s also very usual to say "go get a pen" (or "go see your mother", or any other action)
POST-IT= those little square yellow pieces of paper with glue on the top side that we use to write a note and stick it somewhere for other people (or us) to see later.
WALLET= the object that goes in the pocket where men put their money to carry it with them.
PULL IT OUT= take it out
... AND THAT SHE MATTERS TO YOU= this sentence is not grammatically correct. She probably wanted to say "and to feel that she matters to you".
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MORTGAGE= the money you pay back to your bank every month because the bank lent you a lot of money to buy a house. If it’s not for a house we call it "a loan".
NOT LOOKING FOR YOU TO SAY=doesn’t want you to say
HONEY= a word to show love, like "dear", "darling". It is pronounced "hunny".
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RESEARCH= scientific investigation
TO BUFFER= something that prevents something else from causing serious harm, giving protection against damage. So "a stress buffering conversation" is a conversation that takes the stress away from the situation (the relationship, in this case).
STUFF= things (coll. English, very very common in conversational English)
BOTHER= make you feel bad or uncomfortable
HINT= a piece of advice
LIKELIHOOD= probability
PREDICTOR= some piece of information that helps you predict the future for a situation
DEVELOP= learn and put it into practice
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INPUT= information that comes in
BRING UP= when you bring up something in a conversation, you mention it to talk about it.
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER= this is the usual ending for fairy tales in English: "and they lived happily ever after". So if you listen to this psychologist, your relationship will be like a fairy tale. Good luck!
